a zoo in hell


To Michele Bachmann, with Regrets

Dear Michele,

There’s no point in being anything less than blunt. You’re a strong, iron, lady. You say so yourself. Anyway, the reason I am writing to you is let you know just how disappointed we all are in you.  Because we are so disappointed, we feel like we should just let you in on a few things and then move on with our lives.

Less than a year ago, we came to you with money and a plan. Of course, you didn’t know that we were doing that, you just thought God or someone like that told you to run for President and all of this money just showed up. That was fine, really, whatever kept you going was just peachy as we saw it.  The important thing was that you got in the race.

We gave you everything we could. We got you the right people, got you into the right places and even got you on Jay Leno. Has anyone else from Central Minnesota been on Jay Leno in recent memory? Do you think Jay Leno knows where the hell Waite Park is? We’d be a little peeved you didn’t thank us for that, but we understand that you didn’t even know who we are.

All we needed you to do was keep your shit together. That was it. Talk about God, talk about socialism, talk about those evil abortioneers, but for Christ’s sake, don’t do it like some frothy-mouthed cultist from Nebraska. I guess the problem was that we couldn’t script every moment for you, try as we might. We thought you were ready, but we had no idea how much of a nutball you really are.

Don’t get us wrong, we still want you to be President, it’s just that no one else does. We can do a lot, but we can’t overcome that. Maybe God will intervene, but we’re not going to hold our breath. Maybe you could? Although, I don’t think God would really want to get involved with your train wreck of a campaign. That last minute comparison to Margaret Thatcher was just sad. WE DID NOT TELL YOU TO DO THAT.

Anyway, I am sure you are confused by now and convinced this is some sort of joke or crazy stalker letter.  I won’t waste anymore of your time or ours, we’ve got Pawlenty (couldn’t you be just a little more like him?) to tend to and we’re still trying to figure out what we are going to do with Ventura. So, here it is in plain black and white.

For years you’ve been embarrassing the entire state in front of the national media at every chance you get. People from Arkansas are laughing at how stupid we must be to elect someone like you. You are making the cheese heads look rational and composed compared to us. People say we’ve been in the cold too long and our brains are frozen. You get the idea, right?

So, what would show them? What would get them off our backs and get you out of our state? It’s not like you were ever going to get voted out by the halfwits that voted you into Congress. Maybe we were batshit crazy, but we somehow thought that if you got elected to President you would no longer just be Minnesota’s lunatic but America’s lunatic.

We were wrong.  Could you do us a favor and keep talking about Iowa? We’d really appreciate it and after everything we’ve done for you, it’d be a nice gesture.

John Nelson
The Committee to Get Michele Bachmann the Hell Out of Minnesota (By Any Means Necessary)