Dear Michele,
There’s no point in being
anything less than blunt. You’re a strong, iron, lady. You say so yourself.
Anyway, the reason I am writing to you is let you know just how disappointed we
all are in you. Because we are so
disappointed, we feel like we should just let you in on a few things and then
move on with our lives.
Less than a year ago, we
came to you with money and a plan. Of course, you didn’t know that we were
doing that, you just thought God or someone like that told you to run for President
and all of this money just showed up. That was fine,
really, whatever kept you going was just peachy as we saw it. The important thing was that you got in
the race.
We gave you everything we
could. We got you the right people, got you into the right places and even got
you on Jay Leno. Has anyone else from Central Minnesota been on Jay Leno in
recent memory? Do you think Jay Leno knows where the hell Waite Park is? We’d
be a little peeved you didn’t thank us for that, but we understand that you
didn’t even know who we are.
All we needed you to do was
keep your shit together. That was it. Talk about God, talk about socialism,
talk about those evil abortioneers, but for Christ’s
sake, don’t do it like some frothy-mouthed cultist
from Nebraska. I guess the problem was that we couldn’t script every moment for
you, try as we might. We thought you were ready, but we had no idea how much of
a nutball you really are.
Don’t get us wrong, we still
want you to be President, it’s just that no one else does. We can do a lot, but
we can’t overcome that. Maybe God will intervene, but we’re not going to hold
our breath. Maybe you could? Although, I don’t think God would really want to
get involved with your train wreck of a campaign. That last minute comparison
to Margaret Thatcher was just sad. WE DID NOT TELL YOU TO DO THAT.
Anyway, I am sure you are
confused by now and convinced this is some sort of joke or crazy stalker
letter. I won’t waste anymore of
your time or ours, we’ve got Pawlenty (couldn’t you
be just a little more like him?) to tend to and we’re still trying to figure
out what we are going to do with Ventura. So, here it is in plain black and
white.
For years you’ve been embarrassing
the entire state in front of the national media at every chance you get. People
from Arkansas are laughing at how stupid we must be to elect someone like you.
You are making the cheese heads look rational and composed compared to us.
People say we’ve been in the cold too long and our brains are frozen. You get
the idea, right?
So, what would show them?
What would get them off our backs and get you out of our state? It’s not like
you were ever going to get voted out by the halfwits that voted you into
Congress. Maybe we were batshit crazy, but we somehow thought that if you got
elected to President you would no longer just be Minnesota’s lunatic but
America’s lunatic.
We were wrong. Could you do us a favor and keep talking
about Iowa? We’d really appreciate it and after everything we’ve done for you,
it’d be a nice gesture.
Sincerely,
John Nelson
The Committee to Get
Michele Bachmann the Hell Out of Minnesota (By Any Means Necessary)
